Liberal press finds Onion’s characterisation of gays humourless.
Kandabatata Crunchy Headline: Congress workers brave commonsense to mark Rahul Gandhi’s 38th Birthday
(Courtesy Indian Express Epaper)
In an emphatic display of courage, Congress workers in Dehli celebrated Rahul Gandhi’s 38 Birthday, braving commonsense.
Democratic presidential contender, Hillary Clinton, received a potentially knockout blow yesterday when a large number of feminist groups turned their backs to her, after her comments about “cleaning the house”.
“It is time for us to clean house, and one thing women know how to do - we know how to clean house”, Clinton reportedly said addressing a massive crowd in Philadelphia, last month.
“It’s a horribly horribly conservative remark”, a statement by spokesperson of a leading feminist organization said. “What Clinton is implying is that it’s for men like Bush to dirty the house and women need to come and clean it. That’s such a patriarchal position to take. It’s an insult to every women in the world”
Clinton said that “[my] remarks have been taken out of context. It’s the Obama camp that has created a controversy out of this non-issue. I was tired after climbing up the steps of the podium and the words came out in a way I never intended them to be”
Explaining what she meant by her remarks, she said on live television: “There is no question of supporting patriarchal world views. I can assure you that I can keep the house as dirty as the feminists want it”
As they went offline for a commercial break, however, she reportedly said: “Oops, I did it again”.
American feminists, however, are not ready to buy this explanation.
“However tired one is, one understands what’s patriarchal and what’s not. We do not want a president who is just a pawn in the patriarchy”
Obama’s campaign spokeman Bill Burton has issued a strong statement condemning the remark: “It’s unfortunate that a woman, and a Democrat at that, should make a Conservative remark like that. Such a remark has no place in this campaign”
“When it comes to cleaning the house” Obama said “we will show that anyone whose heart is clean, can do the job as good as anyone - woman or man, black or white, rich or poor. We must believe that we want a change — that we want a clean house, and we will all work to get there, each and every American”
Meanwhile, it’s unclear why it took the feminists a month to realize the insult. Couple of groups we spoke maintained that they had spotted the instance rightaway but they were debating the course of action.
PETA activists have condemned Amir Khan for naming his dog after India’s biggest star, Shahrukh Khan. Amir recently wrote on his blog that “Shahrukh is the name of our dog”.
Speaking to Kanadabatata, a senior PETA activist expressed concerns over the dog’s emotional well-being.
“No animal can handle celebrity status. By naming his dog after SRK, Amir is putting a huge strain on his dog. In two days since he posted the entry, two hundred and twenty one reporters have tried to interview the dog. It’s an irresponsible act by one of the most respected actors in Bollywood”
When contacted Amir Khan said that he had nothing to do with naming him. “However, I strongly object to this lowly view of animals”, he insisted. “Any dog can handle celebrity”, he said.
Sources close to the actor say that the actor is undergoing a depression due to lack of media attention to him since the dog blog. The actor, who was in Panchgani for a holiday, has had nightmarish 2 days because of constant quarrels among the bitches in the area, and various TV channel crews who want “exclusive” interview of the dog.
SRK, meanwhile, has come in support of Amir Khan. In a statement released recently he said:
“It proves once again … not that it was ever needed to be proven, but still it proves … that I’m the number one star in the industry. And if someone wants name a dog after me, and not after Hrithik, or Abhishek, or Akshay, or even Amitji, PETA should not make a hue and cry about it. Why even Amir Khan’s caretaker thought of me, and not Amir, when he named the dog. Doesn’t that prove, what never needed to be proven in the first place. As for the dog, inshallah, he will learn to cope with the fame”
Meanwhile the dog, unaware of its name, is silent.
India’s fastest news channel, Aaj Kal — whose byline is “tomorrows news today” — ran a special news bulletin about shock waves on the surface of the Sun: a phenomenon termed as solar tsunami. The shock waves were so powerful that they destroyed the earth tomorrow.
AAj Kal Television has urged all its viewers to watch these clips of Earth’s destruction today as tomorrow we’re all going to die. Many scientists, the channel claimed, are saying that this is a once-in-a-life-time event for any planet. However Aaj Kal’s astrologers have claimed that this has already happened 314956 times before.
“Yes it has happened before”, he said when questioned by a caller, “and each time Lord Bramha has recreated earth from scratch”
Aaj Kal anchor claimed that the channel had covered the event in its previous occurrence, but the tapes were lost in the destruction.
“This time we’re using the powers of Maharshi Shri Shri Triloksamrat to backup the telecast on rahu and ketu simultaneously”
Headlines Day After Tomorrow, a competitor of Aaj Kal, has claimed that this is a false news.
“This is a cheap attempt at getting more TRPs. It’s all untrue. We’re already covering the marriage of a buffalo and a rat, that took place day after tomorrow. If earth is destroyed tomorrow how can that happen?”, the spokesperson for the channel said.
More updates tomorrow.
KPS Gill, the Indian Hockey Federation chief, has blamed the IPL phenomenon for the debacle of Indian hockey. Indian hockey team suffered another humiliation after losing to England in the Olympics qualifiers finals. India needed to win the game to qualify for the upcoming Beijing Olympics. This is the first time in eighty years that India hasn’t qualified for the Olympics.
“It’s rubbish”, he said, dismissing the widespread criticism of his regime. “I am not killing Indian hockey. IPL is. First they stole our concept. Then to make it successful they fixed three events: the Twenty20 world cup, the tri-series and the U-19 world cup. All of this is conspiracy of the sponsors to get more eyeballs to cricket”, he explained.
“If India had won the Qualifying tournament, the glory would have taken some sheen off recent cricket triumphs. No wonder they’re trying everything to stop that from happening. They even did not let Sania Mirza play in India by creating controversies. It’s all a big conspiracy”
When questioned by reporter if he was alleging that hockey players were given money to lose, he said, “I will respond to these things at a later stage. But I’m sure everyone can see what is happening”
“But if that were the case, will the guilty players be punished swiftly?”, asked another reporter.
“We do not have an instant coffee machine to get results instantly” Mr. Gill retorted.
Defending against demands from various sections to resign, he said:
“What Indian hockey needs right now is care and affection. They need someone who can stay with them through everything. And if you look at the record of Indian hockey recently, there is only one man who fits the bill. And there are no prizes for guessing who that man is”
“In any case, prizes are the last thing on our mind right now”, said an IHF official on the condition of anonymity.
Harbhajan Singh has demanded an apology from Matthew Hayden over his remarks on an Australian radio show. Hayden reportedly called the Indian off-spinner an “obnoxious weed”. Harbhajan has insisted that the remark has racial overtones to it, and that he is sure Hayden wants to insult his long hair.
Singh, who is no stranger to controversies, was recently involved in another racism row, only that time it was as an alleged offender. Last year, he had appeared in a fashion show without his turban, an action which had caused a lot of anger in the Sikh community. Harbhajan insists that Hayden “was attacking my Sikh roots, and finds my long hair abonoxious”.
When our reporter brought to his notice Andrew Symond’s long hair, which Hayden seems to have no problem with, Harbhajan said that he has been instructed not to say a single word about Andrew Symond’s without clearance from BCCI’s legal counsel.
“Woh to mujhe uski taraf dekhne se bhi mana kar rahe hai” (they’re even forbidding me from looking at him), he added.
However he remained adamant, that this was an attack on all Sikh community, not just himself. He said that lot of white countries see Sikh immigrants as a weed. And it is this white supremacist attitude that is the reason behind Hayden’s latest attack.
Since this was an off the field exchange, he said, he does not plan to involve ICC in this, however he said, he is considering legal action.
When asked, if he thinks there can be another reason for the remarks, he said, “Oh sure. Maybe he’s just jealous of my long hair”.
The Australian ace batsman has refused to comment and dismissed the charges as juvenile.
“I didn’t even know he has long hair under the turban. I always thought it’s all empty there beneath it”.
Although Australian cricketers have extended support to their teammate, in private, they’re expressing displeasure over the remarks. “Matthew is close to retirement, so he is getting senile”, said a teammate, on the condition of anonymity. “God knows we cannot afford another controversy at this time”. It’s unclear if by “this time” he meant the upcoming finals, or the upcoming IPL season.
BCCI president Sharad Pawar announced on Tuesday that talks are on with Steve Waugh, the former Australian captain, to hire him as the sledging coach for team India. This sudden move has come in the aftermath of the Sydney ODI which India lost. Ishant Sharm, India’s rising star, was fined fifteen percent of match-fee, after a showdown with Andrew Symonds.
Indian Captain, Dhoni, has reportedly asked for a sledging coach, as he believes that Indians need to learn the art from the great aussies.
“It’s an art and they are good at it, but the Indians will learn soon”, was his comment on the Ishant Sharma affair.
Meanwhile, back home, there was a controversy regarding the need for a foreign “sledging coach”. A well known TV commentator and former player reportedly slammed the BCCI for insulting the pride of nation.
“When it comes to sledging, there is no shortage of local expertise. Look at our parliament, no further. This is like a drawing dirty water from the sea, when your septic tanks is overflowing into the garden”
Experts debated on the news-channels over whether Ajay Jadeja should have been given the job, instead. Jadeja, who was involved in a match-fixing controversy, and later got cleared from the charges, was known for gamesmanship, as he liked to call it.
“I’ve nothing against sledging”, he commented on NDTV. “Look, grown-ups will use abusive language. It’s only kids who need to be told not to use it”
Sunil Gavaskar has refused to comment on the move, saying it’s beneath his dignity, while Ravi Shastri has praised the move.
“The Aussies”, he said, “will soon get the taste of their own medicine, and what’s more — the medicine will be prepared by their own star pharmacist”
The man in the spotlight, Steave Waugh, is reportedly unclear of what the role would entail.
“I’m yet to hear anybody tell me what a sledge is,” he said, when asked if he was ready to take up the job.
The race for the Democratic presidential candidature in America took an unpresidented turn yesterday when Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton decided to bury their differences and agreed to share presidency on a time-sharing basis.
Obama, who’s the current front runner in this race, after a stunning winning streak, reportedly extended the invitation to his party rival, and a previous front runner, Clinton. The move has created tremors in the Republican camp, which was watching all the fun from the sidelines, given that they have a clear candidature in John McCain.
Shortly after the deal was worked out between the two Democrats, Barack Obama addressed a joint rally with Mrs. Clinton, in Texas. He spoke first:
“This is a defining moment. Our nation is at war. Our planet is in peril. Our American dream is slipping away. That is why, in this election, it is not enough to simply change parties in the White House. We have to fundamentally change our politics if we are going to make progress on the great challenges we face.”
As the crowd applauded, for what seemed like an eternity, he continued:
“Instead of continuing the same old divisive fights in Washington that are more about scoring political points than solving problems, we need leadership that inspires, energiszes, and mobilises the American people behind a common purpose. That’s how we’re finally going to build a new majority for change that can win in November. That is the true genius of America, a faith — a faith in simple dreams, an insistence on small miracles. And what better miracle than this — a joint President. Tonight we’re hoping, not for one, but three firsts this November — a first lady president, a first black president, and a first joint president of United States of America!”
As the stunned audience was caught in a “to clap or not to clap” dilemma, Mrs. Clinton took the center-stage.
“I do think that words are important and words matter,” she said “But actions speak louder than words. And today, we’ve left the empty words behind, and acted! We need a president who understands the magnitude and complexity of the challenges we face and has the strength and experience to address them from day one, a president who has faith that the American people and the American economy are up to the task. And it takes two to sc… (coughing) … two to believe”
A thunderous applause broke out after this.
The sources in Clinton camp said after the rally that this was a definitive proof, if ever needed, that the public support is with Mrs. Clinton, and that she should have never accepted this atrocious arrangement.
Obama camp was also equally displeased with Obama’s unilateral offer — especially after his recent winning streak. But those in the neutral camp seem to be much more sympathetic.
“It’s their last real chance to be the president of America”, a senior Democrat senator said, off the records. “But aren’t they both quite young? Surely they will have another chance?”, the reporter asked. “Oh well, we all know this is the last significant presidential election of America”, the Senator said. “In five years, American presidency will cease to matter”
Later, the Senator denied the comments saying he was quoted out of context. But since the comments were off-the-records in the first place, he couldn’t go on-the-records to refute them.
In a statement by the Vatican, the official spokesperson has dismissed the petition by Harry Potter’s Christian fans (the Young Boys Harry Potter Christian Club, or YBHPCC), for investigation into the miracles by Harry Potter, for a possible Sainthood. Harry Potter, as anyone who can read these days knows, is a hero of J. K. Rowling’s famous “Harry Potter” series.
The Vatican has insisted that besides Harry Potter being a person of “questionable historical authenticity”, Vatican has strong reasons to dismiss the petition.
“Despite the values that we come across in the narration, at the base of this story, magic is proposed as a positive ideal”, said the spokesman in a press conference afterwards. He dismissed as heretical any suggestions that that description seems to fit the legend of the man from Nazareth.
“Surely you don’t mean to compare someone’s figment of imagination with God’s own son?”, the spokesmen retorted.
“But isn’t miracle a precondition for Sainthood”, an agitated fan asked.
“Miracle is not the same as magic”, responded the spokesperson, “It’s not what is done that constitutes a miracle, but who does it. If every tom, dick and Harry started performing miracles, then God will be trivialized. And Vatican will not let that happen”.
The YBHPCC president was not available for comment. However they’ve got a strong support from an unlikely quarter, as the “Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster”, which has offered to consider the inclusion of Harry Potter as a Pirate. We’ll keep you posted on the developments.
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