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The India Meteorological Department, or the Met Department, in a move to improve its terrible track record in daily weather forecasts, has decided to delay the forecasts by forty-eight hours.
“Normally, we forecast the day’s weather a day in advance”, the spokesman for the Met Department, while addressing a press conference, in Pune “However, we realized that we were being too aggressive. After much deliberation, we decided that we should prioritize on getting the predictions right, even if that means a couple of days of delay. We’re hoping to cut down the delay to just one day, but we’re not going to worry to much about that, at this point”
While answering the KandaBatata reporter’s question: “Have you considered upgrading the equipment, in the near term, to improve the prediticions?”, the spokesman answered in the negative.
“No. That’s out of question. In fact, with these new revisions in our methodology, we would hardly need any instruments. We’re expecting significant cost savings in maintenance, too”
Another reporter asked if there are any plans to auction out existing instruments, when the spokesman said that it’s under consideration.
“We’re definitely looking into it. However, there are a lot of security considerations to be taken into account. Besides, no one is sure how much the instruments are worth, if anything”
Public opinion is divided on the Met decision.
“On the one hand, everyone will welcome an accurate prediction. But unless we have time travel, a prediction that comes a day later will hardly be useful, except for historical purposes”, said blogger, on the promise of anonymity.
“It’s a welcome move. It’s high time we had some accurate predictions”, a consumer activist from Pune said. “No, I’m not worried about the timing. As it is, the predictions are worthless today”
[KBNN Report]
Wal-Mart Corporation — the mega store that’s famous for its supply chain management — has asked US government for a “pink underwear bailout”, say close industry sources. According to a Wal-Mart spokesman, Wal-Mart’s suppliers from China, and many Asian countries have been producing disproportionate number of pink undergarments, due to a sudden increase in the sale of pink underwear from its outlets in the first week of February. This unprecedented increase in demand for pink underwear triggered Wal-Mart’s supply chain to send automatic orders to its suppliers to increase the production of the pink underwear.
No one noticed anything wrong, till the sales suddenly went down post February 14th – the Valentine day. For a while, the Wal-Mart guys just assumed that the pink underwear sales were a Valentine Day related rush, just as every year, however the spike was so big, that the supply management chain software was not prepared for it, and sent unprecendented big orders to the suppliers.
Chaddi Colonialization
Investigations revealed that this spike was the result of a “Pink Chaddi Campaign” (chaddi is an Indian language word for underwear/underpants, that’s slated to enter OED’s next edition), started by Indian bloggers in the wake of an attack on women by a political party workers.
“It was unprecedented. Each year we see a spike in the sale of anything pink, in late Jan to mid Feb, and typically it tapers out in next two weeks as we put those items on discount sales — which are mostly flooded by Indian-Americans. So we thought it’s just a Valentine Day phenomenon — but this time the spike was ten times the average. And the demands were back to pre-spike level right after Feb 14th”
In its appeal to the US Senate for a bailout package, Wal-Mart has cited a ‘bug’ in its supply chain management software, which was largely developed by a company (name withheld) outsourcing to India.
“Wal-Mart has been the vicitm of unprecedented turn of events, and outsourcing quality issues”, said another spokesman. “We want the US senate to buy the excess pink underwear at reasonable prices, to bail Wal-Mart out of this extraordinary situation. All we’re asking for is one time bailout, to save the livelihood of thousands of Wal-Mart workers”
Meanwhile, back in India, some right-wing groups have alleged MNC hand behind the Pink Chaddi Campaign. A right-wing intellectual talked to KandaBatata (under the promise of anonymity, as he was afraid of getting truckloads of Pink chaddis landing on his doorsteps) about what he calls “Chaddi Colonialization”
“It’s an old game, for these US corporations. They create a demand where there is none. After all, do you see anyone wearing pink chaddis in India? Pink is not an Indic color. But the west has been trying to re-colonize India, through this chaddi campaign. It’s rich NRI’s who are spoilt by the freedom of internet, who are funding this campaign through reactionary blogs, but a little bit of research will show you who’s behind this”, alluding to an MNC angle.
Obama administration has refused to comment on the “pink bailout”. However souces close to the President have insisted that the President was livid when he heard about the bailout request.
Walmart Sale
“This is what happens when you outsource”, he reportedly said to close aids. “America is the finest country in the world, and America’s workmanship has been the finest in the world, all these years. Just to save a few dollars, these greedy multinationals outsource their work to other countries, and end up in such a mess. It’s the responsibility of every American to act responsibly, in these times of deep distress”
Wal-Mart has already started a “buy one, get three free” discount sale for the pink underwear, but no one from Pink Chaddi campaign seems to be buying any. Indian Bloggers are busy debating if Slumdog Millionaire deserved to get all those Academy awards.
In a move that has sent shivers down the cricketing world, BCCI’s Chief Administrative Officer, Prof. Ratnakar Shetty, announced that BCCI has called off all its future tours, unless ICC rectifies injustice done to Indian batting maestro, Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar.
Sachin walks off after dismissal
ICC released its latest “all time great” rankings in which the Indian batting maestro figures 26th and 12th on the Test and ODI rankings, respectively. Reacting to the news, Navjyot Singh Sidhu, the former cricketer turned entertainer, alleged that this is just another proof of the racist attitude of ICC.
“It’s an open and shut case of racism against players from the sub-continent. Quite simple”, he insisted, talking to KandaBatata reporter. When questioned on Sangakkara making it to top 10 he said:
“One egg doesn’t an omelet maketh. It just means that the hen needs attention. Any monkey can come up with lists, but a monkey is best utilized by a madari, and not the other way round. Pull the purse strings, and the monkey will dance”
Andrew Symonds, the controversial Australian cricketer, and a fishing enthusiast, reportedly has taken offense at Sidhu’s comments.
“It’s clear to everyone who Sidhu is calling a monkey”, he told Australian TV channel, after another. “I’m consulting my lawyers about the possibility of legal action”
Meanwhile other cricketing greats, like Gavaskar, seemed little reluctant to talk on the issue. When asked what he thinks about the alleged injustice done to the Indian cricketing maestro he replied:
“You’ve to understand that lists are always going to be arbitrary. Let’s make no mistake about it. I mean I’ve featured in tens of lists, from anywhere between 1 and 10. It was a little shocking to see myself at 20, but, that the nature of lists”, he explained. When the reporter said, a little apologetically, he was asking about Sachin, Gavaskar added irritatedly that “I believe I have already answered the question”
ICC said that they have not received any formal intimation from BCCI about the cancellation of any tour, and that they cannot comment on alleged public statements to media, unless they have a “direct” communication or complaint from the said board. But, they insisted, that no country will be allowed to hold the game to ransom, and that they, just as in the past, will not bend to unreasonable demands.
Sources close to BCCI officials reveal that BCCI just wants to get an extra round of IPL organized in the latter half of the year, and is trying to corner ICC into a position where they can get a better bargain. However, KandaBatata never publishes unconfirmed or speculative news. Stay tuned for the updates.
Cities in India saw scenes of protests by women of all hues, often turning violent, after the news of a possible close down of the TV serial “Kyun Ki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi” (better known as Kyun Ki) hit the media. The Star Group recently announced that they’re going to terminate sourcing and telecasting the popular television series from November 10.
In Mumbai, women took to the streets, and there were some incidents of belan throwing at various Star TV offices. Some Tata Sky and DishTV offices were also attacked, when various rumors did the rounds pointing at one of the two popular DTH service providers being behind Star Group’s unprecedented move. Speaking to the Kanda Batata News, Tata Sky spokesman blamed Reliance, who’ve recently launched there DTH service, for the rumors.
Across India hundreds of women have reportedly tried to kill themselves, using sleeping pills. However, many of them needed sleep so badly, owing to the prolonged soap watching every night, that many just fell asleep. But when they got up the next day, they were again feeling depressed, empty, and wanted to kill themselves.
Anita Naik, a resident of Borivali, a suburb of Mumbai, had this to say: “I don’t know what I’m going to do for an hour every day now. I think I’ll just try and catch up on other soaps that I have been watching during the commercial breaks in Kyun Ki. But, this is like losing my family”.
In Delhi, the protests turned violent, as a group of women tried to break security cordon, as they waited for Chief Minister Sheila Dixit. Police tried to use tear gas to disperse the protesters, but it proved totally ineffective. The CM, who’s got herself into a big mess over her alleged anti-women statements lately, declined to comment. However, she added that it’s a matter that concerns the Center and not the State, as it is a National soap. The police had to resort to lathi charge, to disperse the protesters, who just refused to move – an art they had practiced on a daily basis.
Ekta Kapoor, the brain behind the serial, has expressed shock over Star Group’s decision. She claimed that it’s a patriarchal move by the male dominated Star Group, and that they’re doing it only because she’s the only successful women producer in India.
On the Indian blogosphere, Ekta’s sentiments have resonated with a lot of urban educated women bloggers. Lot of these bloggers, who vehemently hate Kyun Ki, have strongly criticized Star Group for their anti-women stance. A group of Dehli based bloggers, have even announced a “Best of Kyunki” showing, at their upcoming blogger meet.
Meanwhile, the Star spokesman was not available for comment. In a email comment, later, he said that he was busy talking with the producers of Balika Vadhu, to replace Kyun Ki, and dismissed the controversy as unfortunate.
Unrelated News: Kumble, afraid of a ‘forced’ injury, asks for police protection.
Kandabatata Crunchy Headline: Congress workers brave commonsense to mark Rahul Gandhi’s 38th Birthday
(Courtesy Indian Express Epaper)
In an emphatic display of courage, Congress workers in Dehli celebrated Rahul Gandhi’s 38 Birthday, braving commonsense.
PETA activists have condemned Amir Khan for naming his dog after India’s biggest star, Shahrukh Khan. Amir recently wrote on his blog that “Shahrukh is the name of our dog”.
Speaking to Kanadabatata, a senior PETA activist expressed concerns over the dog’s emotional well-being.
“No animal can handle celebrity status. By naming his dog after SRK, Amir is putting a huge strain on his dog. In two days since he posted the entry, two hundred and twenty one reporters have tried to interview the dog. It’s an irresponsible act by one of the most respected actors in Bollywood”
When contacted Amir Khan said that he had nothing to do with naming him. “However, I strongly object to this lowly view of animals”, he insisted. “Any dog can handle celebrity”, he said.
Sources close to the actor say that the actor is undergoing a depression due to lack of media attention to him since the dog blog. The actor, who was in Panchgani for a holiday, has had nightmarish 2 days because of constant quarrels among the bitches in the area, and various TV channel crews who want “exclusive” interview of the dog.
SRK, meanwhile, has come in support of Amir Khan. In a statement released recently he said:
“It proves once again … not that it was ever needed to be proven, but still it proves … that I’m the number one star in the industry. And if someone wants name a dog after me, and not after Hrithik, or Abhishek, or Akshay, or even Amitji, PETA should not make a hue and cry about it. Why even Amir Khan’s caretaker thought of me, and not Amir, when he named the dog. Doesn’t that prove, what never needed to be proven in the first place. As for the dog, inshallah, he will learn to cope with the fame”
Meanwhile the dog, unaware of its name, is silent.
KPS Gill, the Indian Hockey Federation chief, has blamed the IPL phenomenon for the debacle of Indian hockey. Indian hockey team suffered another humiliation after losing to England in the Olympics qualifiers finals. India needed to win the game to qualify for the upcoming Beijing Olympics. This is the first time in eighty years that India hasn’t qualified for the Olympics.
“It’s rubbish”, he said, dismissing the widespread criticism of his regime. “I am not killing Indian hockey. IPL is. First they stole our concept. Then to make it successful they fixed three events: the Twenty20 world cup, the tri-series and the U-19 world cup. All of this is conspiracy of the sponsors to get more eyeballs to cricket”, he explained.
“If India had won the Qualifying tournament, the glory would have taken some sheen off recent cricket triumphs. No wonder they’re trying everything to stop that from happening. They even did not let Sania Mirza play in India by creating controversies. It’s all a big conspiracy”
When questioned by reporter if he was alleging that hockey players were given money to lose, he said, “I will respond to these things at a later stage. But I’m sure everyone can see what is happening”
“But if that were the case, will the guilty players be punished swiftly?”, asked another reporter.
“We do not have an instant coffee machine to get results instantly” Mr. Gill retorted.
Defending against demands from various sections to resign, he said:
“What Indian hockey needs right now is care and affection. They need someone who can stay with them through everything. And if you look at the record of Indian hockey recently, there is only one man who fits the bill. And there are no prizes for guessing who that man is”
“In any case, prizes are the last thing on our mind right now”, said an IHF official on the condition of anonymity.
After the closet success of No Smoking, Anurag Kashyap is working on its sequel. The project is tentatively titled “Rendezvous” (pro-nun-ci-ation: ron-de-vu). Insider sources reveal that when asked why has he chosen such a title, Anurag in his inimitable style responded: “My first choice of title was randi kaun, but our sensor board would never pass it, so I decided to name it “randi who“.
The story of Rendezvous is centered around a lady, Aleeda Kahemat, who runs a bar (named Rendezvous) in South-Bombay, Mumbai. The bar, where smoking is banned, and all the visitors are expected to come in white clothes, is frequented by the film fraternity. Sources reveal th
at Anurag has approached Rani Mukharjee for the role. “This could be her hat-trick of prostitute roles”, a not so well known script-writer and a regular visitor of Passion For Cinema (better known as PFC) remarked. John Abraham will play the role of An, a fearless smoker, who dares to visit the celebrity bar in multicolored attire and smokes Classic Milds. At this unprecedented turn of events, Aleeda calls the owner of the bar, Mr. Cash Topra who asks her to ignore him, but not to serve him any drinks.
Aleeda however does not like the arrogance of An, and lets loose her dog, Moti, onto An, who hurts the dog with his Milds. Rendezvous is a story of how An struggles to force Cash Topra to introduce a “smoke pit” inside Rendezvous, and how Aleeda tries to destroy An by using her charms on each and every decision maker, including Cash Topra, and his close friend and partner, JK who runs a coffee-shop (Just Kidding) across the street. At Just Kidding, people can wear “any color you like”, so far as the dress is bought from the Just Kidding stores, although smoking is not permitted there either.
Incidentally, Anurag revealed that this is a second part in his “smoking trilogy”. The third-part, yet unnamed, will also have John playing the lead protagonist, da (as in “the”). Intelligent readers of this site would have figured out the connection between the names of the three protagonists. Thos who haven’t, should not be watching Anurag’s films anyways.
The buzz on PFC is that the movie is supposed to mock the “sell-out” of the film-critics. When we asked Anurag if he worries about the backlash from the critic community he said: “No critic in this country understands movies. How would they even know this is a movie about them?” When we pointed that anyone who reads PFC will naturally know that, he said, “But no one takes PFC seriously”
Also Read: Sanjay Leela Bhansali to make a film on “Love in the Time of Cholera”
US based Indian Bobby, aka Piyush, Jindal was elected the Governor of Louisiana, after a sweeping victory. The news has sent his nation of origin into frenzy. In Mumbai, Delhi, Bangalore, Hyderabad, and most major cities (except the Communist Kolkota) in India, there were jubilant celebrations. In Mahrashtra state, in particular, people came on the streets, on Sunday, after the news hit the media. They distributed leaves of trees, to celebrate the “growing” success of Indians in America. Lot of homes also prepared sweets, to celebrate the occasion.
A visibly emotional Piyush Jindal talked (exclusively) to a prestigious Indian news channel. When told about the celebrations back home by the reporter, our own Piyush had this to say:
“Thank you…thank you…thank you India. Folks…I’ve got an idea…Let’s give our homeland…a fresh start!
I stand here tonight very humbled by your support. It’s hard to describe, but I really feel a heavy sense of not only gratitude for all of you, but also of responsibility. More than anything, I stand here tonight tremendously excited and exceedingly optimistic about the opportunity to make real change and to turn our state around”
“Which state, do you mean?”, the reporter asked him. But the question was lost in the huge explosion of cheers from the media persons in the studio, who are the happiest about the news.
“We have to defeat cynicism, we have to stop saying– “politics is always corrupt, there is nothing we can do about the mess in Baton Rouge.” continued Piyush.
As the reporter wondered what the hell “Baton Rouge” was, Piyus stated categorically that, “The time for partisan politics is behind us. This is not my victory tonight. This is our victory. There has never been a clearer mandate for change. This is our time. Our motivation is pride in our homeland”
Meanwhile, back home, there was also a cynical response to the news, coming from the strong Indian blogging community, in particular. A blogger, who blogs at SindhuUnity.hind said that after an Italian remote-control-Prime-minister, we might soon see an American prime-minister, too. But, he was sharply criticized by other liberal bloggers. “Of course it is a great news for India”, sweety_81 said, “Soon we’ll have Indians leading all the major nations, including Pakistan, which will be so exciting!”. That took the discussion into a tangent about how Pakistan is already led by an Indian.
A senior right-wing leader expressed happiness about the news. He praised Jindal as a model citizen of his country. “If all the minorities in India just accepted Hinduism as a True Indian religion, just as Mr. Jindal has accepted Christianity as the True US religion, then India will be as progressive as America”, he said.
A senior left leader has accused Jindal of selling to the majoritarian politics, and had strong words of criticism for his right-wing social policies. Accusing Congress and VHP of clandestinely supporting Mr. Jindal, he said: “This is a ploy to push the Nuclear Deal in the US Senate”. The left, he said, is contemplating to withdraw the support to central government unless Congress apologize to the whole nation, and stops the clandestine support to Mr. Jindal.
In an unrelated development, scientists have observed a 29.76% increase in the happiness index of the global primate population since Jan 2001. The euphoria in primates is observed all over the globe, along with an elevated sense of pride. The scientists are puzzled over the phenomenon.
Indian Star actor Sanjay Dutt, aka Sunju Baba, received the prestigious Nobel Prize for peace, for his re-vitalizing of the philosophy of peace, better known as Gandhism. Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, who never received this award, has always been considered the biggest embarrassment for the prestigious global award. Sources say that this award, to Dutt, is to compensate for that oversight.
The actor, who was jubilant after receiving this award said that he believed his parents, and not he, really deserved the prize.
Meanwhile, the opinion was divided back home. While a lot of fans cheered the news, there were a few detractors who felt that this was money power of Bollywood which has resulted in this award, and they felt that it is a conspiracy to pressurize the Indian courts to dismiss cases against him. Dutt, 48, is contesting a TADA (a special democratic law in India) court’s six year sentence, for illegal possession of willful destruction of arms. One famous blogger from Indian blogosphere made comment that: “destruction of arms” is the greatest contribution anyone can do to world peace”.
Senior Gandhian leaders celebrated the news, citing it as a vindication of Mahatma’s philosophy of non-violence. However some express cynicism at the commercialization of the philosophy in its new avtaar: gandhigiri.
Meanwhile, US president, George W. Bush, has vehemently criticized the Nobel committee for trivialization of peace prize by giving it to a “mere actor”.
“After all, what is the real contribution of Mr. Dutt, to world peace? I am a great admirer of Gandhi’s philosophy of non-alignment. Gandhi was a great person. He fought for world-peace just like me and my father. He fought for peace in Sri-Lanka, and died for the cause. His brother, this Sanjay, has not done anything to deserve a peace prize, on the other hand”, he said, addressing a press-conference. Sources reveal, that this just after Al Gore’s peace prize, has angered and hurt the President, who said this about the other award: “We will shift the headquarters of Nobel to Florida next year”.
When reminded that it is Sanjay Dutt, not Sanjay Gandhi, who’s been chosen for the award, the President remarked in his charismatic style: “Oh well, what’s the difference, they’re both bloddy injuns”
The actor will be visiting the Siddhivinayak temple in Mumbai, to thank God for this kindness.
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