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A man, who boasts of a million twitter followers, recently confessed that he has no idea where he is leading them.
“It’s stressful”, the twitterer said, when promised absolute anonymity, “Every day I wake up, I wonder: do I know where I’m taking all these guys? I find it hard to sleep at night, thinking of this tweet or that, that I posted. In fact, I cannot remember the last time that I tweeted”, he confessed.
How does he have so many followers then?
“A lot of them are bots. But there are ways to increase your followers”
When asked, why did he want the followers in the first place, he looked baffled.
“But why else would one tweet?” he asked.
A Man Wakes Up To Find That His Name Is Unique After All:
Krasser Dawg, who likes to call himself Kresy Dawg, woke up in the middle of the night, after a virtual nightmare in which he saw his vanity url being taken away by someone else. On the fateful Friday night of June 12, Dawg was waiting — ready with his laptop and browser — for the stroke of midnight, along with millions of other internet users, for Facebook to unveil its vanity url feature. To his horror of horror, he dozed off at 11:59 PM, EDT, just a few seconds to the awaited moment.
“I cannot $%$$ believe it”, Dawg said later, talking to KB reporter. “I mean, I sat there for hours, unable to do anything else, waiting for that moment. And just when it was seconds away, I dozed off. I was literally counting down seconds”, he added with a sheepish smile.
Could it because of all the stress?
“That’s not very common, but it’s not unheard of”, said Dr. Siddhartha Jain, a leading psychiatrist, who specializes in behaviorial effects of extreme mental stress. “Some human beings are known to have, what the psychologists call, the sleeping instinct. It’s a evolutionary freak of an instinct that helps certain organisms to deal with extreme mental stress. It’s triggered when brain detects unusually accelerating blood pressure, when it releases strong sedatives to avert an impending heart attack”.
Dawg woke up, at around 3 AM, drenched in sweat. He recalls a dream in which he typed what was do be his vanity url: http://facebook.com/Kresy.Dawg, and it took him to a Facebook profile of an African-American rap star. Fully awake then, he logged back into his laptop, and refreshed the pre-typed url, to check if his username was still available. It was.
“It was a mixed feeling”, he said. “I was a little relieved, and a little sad too. I mean sure, it’s great to get the vanity url, but what’s the #$$% fun, if there ain’t no competition?”
When told about the extreme stress theory, and that he could have had a heart attack, if it weren’t for the sleeping instinct, Dawg said that wasn’t so worried about that.
“No”, Dawg insisted, “I have already booked a legacy locker. I do not fear an offline death anymore”
Related News: Man sues a Hollywood star for stealing his vanity url.
Charles Roswell — a prominent atheist, astrophysicist, and author of the niche bestseller “The Specter of God: Justifying Disbelief” — ended his life late last night by self administered overdose of sleeping pills.
While Dr. Roswell was best known in freethinking circles because of his aforementioned book, he was much more popular for his fierce debating skills in televised debates. He wasn’t a stranger to controversies, and he caused quite a stir by his remarks while debating with a famous TV evangelist, who asked him if he’d still deny the existence of God if He were to present Himself, to him (Roswell) one fine day? Roswell, in his characteristic style had insisted: “If ever I see God, I’ll enlist myself into a mental asylum. And I believe, so should you”
According to his colleagues, Dr. Roswell was suffering from a severe depression recently. Colleagues hinted that it (the depression) had something to do with the news of a Cambridge undergrad publishing the proof of non-existence of God using mathematical induction.
The proof, which was published first by the prestigious scientific journal, The Mathematical Belief, is currently being checked for its veracity by a team of mathematicians. The proof is being verified using deep simulation technique (a proof technique which has its share of skeptics, but is generally well accepted practice in the scientific community), with the help of a computer grid spanning the globe. The deep simulation is expected to give a very-very-highly-probabilistic validation of the proof in an year’s time. The deep simulation will continue to run possibly infinitely.
According to his colleagues, Roswell, who allegedly could not take the suspense anymore, was distraught that a mere undergrad had managed to prove in an elegant (but possibly non-provable, if you discount deep simulation) few lines, what he had been trying all his life, with little success. It probably was the final straw that pushed him to take this extreme measure.
“He believed that the proof was right”, said his colleague and best friend Dr. Ailbe Kahn, who is a skeptic himself. Kahn is very cynical about proofs that need deep simulation for validation, and wondered if Roswell was right in ending his life over one such proof. “He just believed in it. And in the end, that belief killed him”, he said.
“With God’s existence disproved, finally, there is nothing left for me to do”, Roswell said in his brief suicide note.
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