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In a move to destroy, what it claims to be the most potent symbol of American cultural imperialism, the Taliban is planning to bid for the swimsuit that Pamela Anderson used in Baywatch.
The Taliban Auction Team
“Inshallah, we’ll lay our hands on that filthy dress”, a Taliban leader told a private Pakistani news channel, yesterday. There was a minor controversy about the actual meaning of what was said, and some Pakistani intellectuals are still debating whether he said “lay our hands on” or “bring back home” or “cut with our swords”. But, they’re unanimous about the words “filthy dress”.
The filthy dress
“There is no phrase in Pashto that translates to ‘laying our hands on’”, a senior Pashto scholar said over a panel debate, claiming that it’s most likely swords or daggers, that are being alluded to.
The red swimsuit in question, was worn by Pamela Anderson, while playing lifeguard C.J. Parker in the hit TV series “Baywatch“. The swinsuit is expected to fetch $2,900 when it goes under the hammer this month, as a part of the auction of Hollywood memorabilia.
“Price is no issue. Inshallah, we’ve enough opium to buy the whole of Hollywood if needed”, the leader added. “But we would like to start with destroying that filthy dress”.
US President Barack Obama has underplayed the threat, saying that the group belongs to what he calls ‘the good Taliban’, who “just like any honest, tax-paying, worrying-about-health-insurance, Americans, are just interested in buying the most sought-after piece of clothing in the whole of America, if not the world”.
There are reports that some Democratic Party senators are strongly opposing this threat of “outsourcing”. Obama administration is considering a 100% tax rebate, for any American who buys and keeps the swimsuit on American soil.
Taliban, meanwhile, is planning a public flogging of an effigy dressed with the red swimsuit, once they “lay their hands on that filthy dress”.
KBNN.
Wal-Mart Corporation — the mega store that’s famous for its supply chain management — has asked US government for a “pink underwear bailout”, say close industry sources. According to a Wal-Mart spokesman, Wal-Mart’s suppliers from China, and many Asian countries have been producing disproportionate number of pink undergarments, due to a sudden increase in the sale of pink underwear from its outlets in the first week of February. This unprecedented increase in demand for pink underwear triggered Wal-Mart’s supply chain to send automatic orders to its suppliers to increase the production of the pink underwear.
No one noticed anything wrong, till the sales suddenly went down post February 14th – the Valentine day. For a while, the Wal-Mart guys just assumed that the pink underwear sales were a Valentine Day related rush, just as every year, however the spike was so big, that the supply management chain software was not prepared for it, and sent unprecendented big orders to the suppliers.
Chaddi Colonialization
Investigations revealed that this spike was the result of a “Pink Chaddi Campaign” (chaddi is an Indian language word for underwear/underpants, that’s slated to enter OED’s next edition), started by Indian bloggers in the wake of an attack on women by a political party workers.
“It was unprecedented. Each year we see a spike in the sale of anything pink, in late Jan to mid Feb, and typically it tapers out in next two weeks as we put those items on discount sales — which are mostly flooded by Indian-Americans. So we thought it’s just a Valentine Day phenomenon — but this time the spike was ten times the average. And the demands were back to pre-spike level right after Feb 14th”
In its appeal to the US Senate for a bailout package, Wal-Mart has cited a ‘bug’ in its supply chain management software, which was largely developed by a company (name withheld) outsourcing to India.
“Wal-Mart has been the vicitm of unprecedented turn of events, and outsourcing quality issues”, said another spokesman. “We want the US senate to buy the excess pink underwear at reasonable prices, to bail Wal-Mart out of this extraordinary situation. All we’re asking for is one time bailout, to save the livelihood of thousands of Wal-Mart workers”
Meanwhile, back in India, some right-wing groups have alleged MNC hand behind the Pink Chaddi Campaign. A right-wing intellectual talked to KandaBatata (under the promise of anonymity, as he was afraid of getting truckloads of Pink chaddis landing on his doorsteps) about what he calls “Chaddi Colonialization”
“It’s an old game, for these US corporations. They create a demand where there is none. After all, do you see anyone wearing pink chaddis in India? Pink is not an Indic color. But the west has been trying to re-colonize India, through this chaddi campaign. It’s rich NRI’s who are spoilt by the freedom of internet, who are funding this campaign through reactionary blogs, but a little bit of research will show you who’s behind this”, alluding to an MNC angle.
Obama administration has refused to comment on the “pink bailout”. However souces close to the President have insisted that the President was livid when he heard about the bailout request.
Walmart Sale
“This is what happens when you outsource”, he reportedly said to close aids. “America is the finest country in the world, and America’s workmanship has been the finest in the world, all these years. Just to save a few dollars, these greedy multinationals outsource their work to other countries, and end up in such a mess. It’s the responsibility of every American to act responsibly, in these times of deep distress”
Wal-Mart has already started a “buy one, get three free” discount sale for the pink underwear, but no one from Pink Chaddi campaign seems to be buying any. Indian Bloggers are busy debating if Slumdog Millionaire deserved to get all those Academy awards.
American President, George W. Bush, has asked the U.S.Treasury to replace all the existing American currency notes with newly designed notes [Image below], to fight the impending depression and continual gloom. The new design was unraveled by the President himself, in a special press conference held by the President to restore confidence of the American people.
Aiming to be reassuring and to show that he is working on the problem, he said the markets are adjusting to the “extraordinary measures” that have been taken in recent days by the federal government.
“The American people can be sure we will continue to act to strengthen and stabilize our financial markets and improve investor confidence,” he said, as the huge LCD screen projected the image of the new Dollar bill.
New Currency
“What the American people need right now, is faith. The American problem is the problem of diminishing faith – in God, the Bible, and the Government! We, the American people, have forgotten our official motto”, he said, fumbling, then looking at the screen and reading with a little difficulty, as he completed the sentence, “in God We Trust”.
But after that brief fumble, he resumed in his emphatic style.
“I’ve not doubt that God will save America, and its people, and I want to tell every doubting Thomas Jefferson that we take our belief in God quite seriously. That is why we’ve added an inscription “No Kidding”, on the currency notes, after our motto”
“These are the times for the young. And that is why we need an experienced President to take this country out of this financial crisis. The young people must feel that the country cares for them, their dreams, their lingo. And what better way to tell them that we care than to include one such youthful expression on our currency!”
On asked whether he thought these majors are enough to turn the things around, the President asked the journalist curtly:
“I believe in God. Don’t you?”
Democratic presidential contender, Hillary Clinton, received a potentially knockout blow yesterday when a large number of feminist groups turned their backs to her, after her comments about “cleaning the house”.
“It is time for us to clean house, and one thing women know how to do – we know how to clean house”, Clinton reportedly said addressing a massive crowd in Philadelphia, last month.
“It’s a horribly horribly conservative remark”, a statement by spokesperson of a leading feminist organization said. “What Clinton is implying is that it’s for men like Bush to dirty the house and women need to come and clean it. That’s such a patriarchal position to take. It’s an insult to every women in the world”
Clinton said that “[my] remarks have been taken out of context. It’s the Obama camp that has created a controversy out of this non-issue. I was tired after climbing up the steps of the podium and the words came out in a way I never intended them to be”
Explaining what she meant by her remarks, she said on live television: “There is no question of supporting patriarchal world views. I can assure you that I can keep the house as dirty as the feminists want it”
As they went offline for a commercial break, however, she reportedly said: “Oops, I did it again”.
American feminists, however, are not ready to buy this explanation.
“However tired one is, one understands what’s patriarchal and what’s not. We do not want a president who is just a pawn in the patriarchy”
Obama’s campaign spokeman Bill Burton has issued a strong statement condemning the remark: “It’s unfortunate that a woman, and a Democrat at that, should make a Conservative remark like that. Such a remark has no place in this campaign”
“When it comes to cleaning the house” Obama said “we will show that anyone whose heart is clean, can do the job as good as anyone – woman or man, black or white, rich or poor. We must believe that we want a change — that we want a clean house, and we will all work to get there, each and every American”
Meanwhile, it’s unclear why it took the feminists a month to realize the insult. Couple of groups we spoke maintained that they had spotted the instance rightaway but they were debating the course of action.
The race for the Democratic presidential candidature in America took an unpresidented turn yesterday when Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton decided to bury their differences and agreed to share presidency on a time-sharing basis.
Obama, who’s the current front runner in this race, after a stunning winning streak, reportedly extended the invitation to his party rival, and a previous front runner, Clinton. The move has created tremors in the Republican camp, which was watching all the fun from the sidelines, given that they have a clear candidature in John McCain.
Shortly after the deal was worked out between the two Democrats, Barack Obama addressed a joint rally with Mrs. Clinton, in Texas. He spoke first:
“This is a defining moment. Our nation is at war. Our planet is in peril. Our American dream is slipping away. That is why, in this election, it is not enough to simply change parties in the White House. We have to fundamentally change our politics if we are going to make progress on the great challenges we face.”
As the crowd applauded, for what seemed like an eternity, he continued:
“Instead of continuing the same old divisive fights in Washington that are more about scoring political points than solving problems, we need leadership that inspires, energiszes, and mobilises the American people behind a common purpose. That’s how we’re finally going to build a new majority for change that can win in November. That is the true genius of America, a faith — a faith in simple dreams, an insistence on small miracles. And what better miracle than this — a joint President. Tonight we’re hoping, not for one, but three firsts this November — a first lady president, a first black president, and a first joint president of United States of America!”
As the stunned audience was caught in a “to clap or not to clap” dilemma, Mrs. Clinton took the center-stage.
“I do think that words are important and words matter,” she said “But actions speak louder than words. And today, we’ve left the empty words behind, and acted! We need a president who understands the magnitude and complexity of the challenges we face and has the strength and experience to address them from day one, a president who has faith that the American people and the American economy are up to the task. And it takes two to sc… (coughing) … two to believe”
A thunderous applause broke out after this.
The sources in Clinton camp said after the rally that this was a definitive proof, if ever needed, that the public support is with Mrs. Clinton, and that she should have never accepted this atrocious arrangement.
Obama camp was also equally displeased with Obama’s unilateral offer — especially after his recent winning streak. But those in the neutral camp seem to be much more sympathetic.
“It’s their last real chance to be the president of America”, a senior Democrat senator said, off the records. “But aren’t they both quite young? Surely they will have another chance?”, the reporter asked. “Oh well, we all know this is the last significant presidential election of America”, the Senator said. “In five years, American presidency will cease to matter”
Later, the Senator denied the comments saying he was quoted out of context. But since the comments were off-the-records in the first place, he couldn’t go on-the-records to refute them.
In a statement by the Vatican, the official spokesperson has dismissed the petition by Harry Potter’s Christian fans (the Young Boys Harry Potter Christian Club, or YBHPCC), for investigation into the miracles by Harry Potter, for a possible Sainthood. Harry Potter, as anyone who can read these days knows, is a hero of J. K. Rowling’s famous “Harry Potter” series.
The Vatican has insisted that besides Harry Potter being a person of “questionable historical authenticity”, Vatican has strong reasons to dismiss the petition.
“Despite the values that we come across in the narration, at the base of this story, magic is proposed as a positive ideal”, said the spokesman in a press conference afterwards. He dismissed as heretical any suggestions that that description seems to fit the legend of the man from Nazareth.
“Surely you don’t mean to compare someone’s figment of imagination with God’s own son?”, the spokesmen retorted.
“But isn’t miracle a precondition for Sainthood”, an agitated fan asked.
“Miracle is not the same as magic”, responded the spokesperson, “It’s not what is done that constitutes a miracle, but who does it. If every tom, dick and Harry started performing miracles, then God will be trivialized. And Vatican will not let that happen”.
The YBHPCC president was not available for comment. However they’ve got a strong support from an unlikely quarter, as the “Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster”, which has offered to consider the inclusion of Harry Potter as a Pirate. We’ll keep you posted on the developments.
US based Indian Bobby, aka Piyush, Jindal was elected the Governor of Louisiana, after a sweeping victory. The news has sent his nation of origin into frenzy. In Mumbai, Delhi, Bangalore, Hyderabad, and most major cities (except the Communist Kolkota) in India, there were jubilant celebrations. In Mahrashtra state, in particular, people came on the streets, on Sunday, after the news hit the media. They distributed leaves of trees, to celebrate the “growing” success of Indians in America. Lot of homes also prepared sweets, to celebrate the occasion.
A visibly emotional Piyush Jindal talked (exclusively) to a prestigious Indian news channel. When told about the celebrations back home by the reporter, our own Piyush had this to say:
“Thank you…thank you…thank you India. Folks…I’ve got an idea…Let’s give our homeland…a fresh start!
I stand here tonight very humbled by your support. It’s hard to describe, but I really feel a heavy sense of not only gratitude for all of you, but also of responsibility. More than anything, I stand here tonight tremendously excited and exceedingly optimistic about the opportunity to make real change and to turn our state around”
“Which state, do you mean?”, the reporter asked him. But the question was lost in the huge explosion of cheers from the media persons in the studio, who are the happiest about the news.
“We have to defeat cynicism, we have to stop saying– “politics is always corrupt, there is nothing we can do about the mess in Baton Rouge.” continued Piyush.
As the reporter wondered what the hell “Baton Rouge” was, Piyus stated categorically that, “The time for partisan politics is behind us. This is not my victory tonight. This is our victory. There has never been a clearer mandate for change. This is our time. Our motivation is pride in our homeland”
Meanwhile, back home, there was also a cynical response to the news, coming from the strong Indian blogging community, in particular. A blogger, who blogs at SindhuUnity.hind said that after an Italian remote-control-Prime-minister, we might soon see an American prime-minister, too. But, he was sharply criticized by other liberal bloggers. “Of course it is a great news for India”, sweety_81 said, “Soon we’ll have Indians leading all the major nations, including Pakistan, which will be so exciting!”. That took the discussion into a tangent about how Pakistan is already led by an Indian.
A senior right-wing leader expressed happiness about the news. He praised Jindal as a model citizen of his country. “If all the minorities in India just accepted Hinduism as a True Indian religion, just as Mr. Jindal has accepted Christianity as the True US religion, then India will be as progressive as America”, he said.
A senior left leader has accused Jindal of selling to the majoritarian politics, and had strong words of criticism for his right-wing social policies. Accusing Congress and VHP of clandestinely supporting Mr. Jindal, he said: “This is a ploy to push the Nuclear Deal in the US Senate”. The left, he said, is contemplating to withdraw the support to central government unless Congress apologize to the whole nation, and stops the clandestine support to Mr. Jindal.
In an unrelated development, scientists have observed a 29.76% increase in the happiness index of the global primate population since Jan 2001. The euphoria in primates is observed all over the globe, along with an elevated sense of pride. The scientists are puzzled over the phenomenon.
Indian Star actor Sanjay Dutt, aka Sunju Baba, received the prestigious Nobel Prize for peace, for his re-vitalizing of the philosophy of peace, better known as Gandhism. Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, who never received this award, has always been considered the biggest embarrassment for the prestigious global award. Sources say that this award, to Dutt, is to compensate for that oversight.
The actor, who was jubilant after receiving this award said that he believed his parents, and not he, really deserved the prize.
Meanwhile, the opinion was divided back home. While a lot of fans cheered the news, there were a few detractors who felt that this was money power of Bollywood which has resulted in this award, and they felt that it is a conspiracy to pressurize the Indian courts to dismiss cases against him. Dutt, 48, is contesting a TADA (a special democratic law in India) court’s six year sentence, for illegal possession of willful destruction of arms. One famous blogger from Indian blogosphere made comment that: “destruction of arms” is the greatest contribution anyone can do to world peace”.
Senior Gandhian leaders celebrated the news, citing it as a vindication of Mahatma’s philosophy of non-violence. However some express cynicism at the commercialization of the philosophy in its new avtaar: gandhigiri.
Meanwhile, US president, George W. Bush, has vehemently criticized the Nobel committee for trivialization of peace prize by giving it to a “mere actor”.
“After all, what is the real contribution of Mr. Dutt, to world peace? I am a great admirer of Gandhi’s philosophy of non-alignment. Gandhi was a great person. He fought for world-peace just like me and my father. He fought for peace in Sri-Lanka, and died for the cause. His brother, this Sanjay, has not done anything to deserve a peace prize, on the other hand”, he said, addressing a press-conference. Sources reveal, that this just after Al Gore’s peace prize, has angered and hurt the President, who said this about the other award: “We will shift the headquarters of Nobel to Florida next year”.
When reminded that it is Sanjay Dutt, not Sanjay Gandhi, who’s been chosen for the award, the President remarked in his charismatic style: “Oh well, what’s the difference, they’re both bloddy injuns”
The actor will be visiting the Siddhivinayak temple in Mumbai, to thank God for this kindness.
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