Excerpts from Shobhaa De’s Olympics Diary:

Aug 14, 2016
sdeI don’t get this excitement over 100m running. The most hyped sporting event. It doesn’t even last ten seconds. Many men with premature ejaculation problem last more than that. Why is it such a big deal?
Aug 15, 2016
For a moment I was worried Deepa will clinch a medal in Gymnastics, and I will have to do a sexual gymnastics. Damn it. Textual. Must shift to electronic diary. No whitener needed!
Thank god this wasn’t on twitter. Then again, that would have got a lot of RTs.
Aug 16, 2016
All these trolls going on and on about Deepa, when she didn’t even win a fucking medal, after risking her life for it. I mean who does that? And then they disparage me, a best selling author. If only I’d got a Padma award or something. No chance now with BJP govt in power. Those puritans will never get my emancipating writings. Anyways, just a few days to go and then I can have a #IToldYouSo tweet. Ha! And more trolls, more RTs. Can’t wait for it to get over, the Olympics.
Aug 17, 2016
This Sindhu girl seems to be hell bent on spoiling my party. Thankfully that male shuttler (what was his name again? ambi something, who the fuck has that kind of name) didn’t make it. Two medals in badminton would have really been embarrassing. I hope that Japanese girl is good. I like the Japs. Killer eyes. And what a sex culture! And violence too! India is destroyed by Victorians.
Aug 18, 2016
Medal in Wrestling, that too a woman. Damn it, this will be hard to diss. If only it was a male, I could have ranted about how it’s a masculine game, symbolizing outdated patriarchal culture. Anyway, just 1 bronze, so I could still laugh when it’s all over. Unless that Jap screws up. They are good at screwing I’ve heard, these Jap girls.
Entry #2:
Oh God! Another medal. And at least a silver. If I had shut up, I could have made a nice tweet about “silver lining”, and all that. Still, just two medals for a country this size. Must rub that in when it’s over. For now, should just go and tweet about silver lining. I’m sure trolls will still have something to say. I hope so.
Aug 19, 2016
Damn trolls. Hounding me. And reporters too. Congrats kiya na. It’s just a freaking silver right now. If you cut it into billion pieces, won’t even buy you a roti. Or a tabloid. I mean, for fuck’s sake, please!
Anyways, I’m still in the news. That’s what matters. I think it would be good if Sindhu actually wins a Gold. Then more trolls will talk about me. Those idiots! They think they’re hurting me. I’ll kick them in their balls tomorrow. No male has won a medal yet, and the Olympics is almost over. Balls!
Must talk about women power in tweets …

He Who Must Not Be Named

HeWhoMustNotBeNamed.jpg

Be afraid. Be very very afraid.

Do NOT trend him by naming him. STFU!

He may have small hands, and a weird hairdo, but he has mastered the Dark Arts. And he has the Republican nomination in his pocket, when everyone was busy laughing. Make no mistake about it. He is coming!

Because there is no #BoyWhoLived, this time.

 

Freedom of Limiting Expression

We’ve had enough! We at KandaBatata have really had enough of this “freedom of expression” debate. Let us state our stance on the petty issue for once and all. This freedom of expression is an imported concept, that’s not worth the paper it’s printed on. Sorry? No one prints it on a paper? How is that even relevant?

Freedom of expression is like sex. Just as sex breeds more and more people who want more and more sex, FoE breeds more and more of those who want their FoE. That’s why, as sex needs condoms to stop the run away process, we need laws to curb FoE. Especially the expression that goes against majority. Democracy demands that the majority cannot be mocked. The majority is always right. Even when it chooses Beiber. There can be no exceptions. Mocking those majority chooses as their idols is like mocking the majority, hence by definition anti-democracy. It has to be stopped. It’s okay to ridicule linguistic, regional, racial, or other minorities, and their cherished beliefs. Think about how bland life would be without sardar jokes, rape jokes about nuns, jokes about quotas, and jokes about excesses of feminism. Jokes about patriarchy on the other hand are so lame (the reason why no one makes them), and offensive. They must be stopped (even when no one is making them). They are against majority sentiment. So anti-democracy, anti-Indian-culture (which is just a short for majority culture).

Note that it’s the principle that’s more important here, not what the majority chooses. Sorry, did you say p0rn? That’s wrong. Because it’s proven that Indians do not choose p0rn. To suggest that is anti-democracy. Besides, it is again a western import that Britishers forced on us in the name of Victorian morality. So it must be banned. It’s just freedom of expression by another name.

Let us repeat: we don’t need freedom of expression (FoE). We need freedom of limiting expression (FoLE). Except for the majority expression. Because what majority chooses is by definition democratic. And we are a democracy. So we need laws to limit deviant behaviors like homosexuality. They are not democratic, by definition. If they were choice of majority, most of us would not be born. What? You say that’s would have been a good thing? You’re anti-majority, so by definition anti-democracy, and anti-national.

FoLE should be enshrined in our constitution along with other basic freedoms. Who will decide the limits? Of course, the majority. Just as it does in some middle-eastern countries. Look at them. They have fixed this problem of FoE. They never have anyone insulting majority religion, or practices, or idols. Err, they don’t have idols? Because idols are anti-majority religion there. So they can actually insult idols and other religions. That’s allowed by FoLE. Why we don’t believe in such a simple and effective system is beyond us. Those who don’t like what we’re saying can always go to those countries. You can have your FoE there. Not here. Goodbye.

The Onion Fighting a Losing Battle with #NotTheOnion

Cole Bolton, the editor of world’s best known brand of “news satire”, confessed in an interview that they are finding it hard to churn out news satire that is more entertaining than much of the real news.

“Yes, it’s a problem we have lived with since our inception, but these days, it’s getting more and more difficult”

Is the Onion bulb bursting?

Responding to the questions about social media’s impact on publications like The Onion, he said, “It is so much easier for amateurs to get visibility as spoof writers these days, but let’s face it, it’s no easier to be a successful one. Just the last week, #NotTheOnion was trending on the twitter, all week. It generally is (trending) every third day. When is the last time you saw #TheOnion trending?”

He was talking about a popular hashtag that the twitterati use while tweeting about real news items which sound like they have been created by The Onion.

But surely The Onion is getting more traffic thanks to Facebook and Twitter?

Trending-Twitter
#LookWhoIsTrending

“I wish I could tell you yes, but that would be like writing an Onion piece during an interview”, he lamented. “The fact is, we get some new traffic every now and then due to #NotTheOnion, but these new audiences are not sticky. They come to the Onion thanks to a bizarre news item which we can’t match even in a spoof. They’re hardly going to be impressed by what they see”

Are they facing a losing battle then? And what is their game plan?

“Yes, it’s bleak. But we’re planning to diverse into real news”